Tag Archives: domestic violence

The Birth of Destruction: 6 & 7

That Summer/ My 16th Birthday

We gradually stopped talking but he was always coming to see me at work, and began to wait for me outside my classes. I thought it meant he wanted to get together again and I refused to.

But, stupid me, I started talking to him again, more and more until, at the end of that year, I agreed to go out with him over summer break.

He didn’t have his license but there were these people, part of his probation, or maybe it was his therapy, that they drove around with him and talked with him and stuff. That was the majority of how I saw him that summer. They’d bring him over and we’d hang out and watch movies and stuff.

He began to pressure me for sex, and I turned him down every time. I’d tell him next time, or faked feeling sick or just told him I wasn’t ready. He began to make me feel bad, insulting me and asking why I was so close minded. I wasn’t close minded, I just wanted to wait for marriage to have sex.

I’d seen what it did to Jenna when she’d had her first time with a guy she’d thought loved her. He sweet talked her and used her. A week after she’d given it up, he began ignoring her and gotten back together with his girlfriend. I didn’t want that for myself.

My mom  had to work on my 16th birthday. She left me a card and promised she’d take me out for dinner that night and said we’d get a cake over the weekend when my brothers and Jenna were over. I wanted to spend the day by myself and told Caleb, which got him mad. He hung up on me, calling me a bitch and said he didn’t give a fuck what I did anymore. I assumed it was him breaking up and spent the whole night before my birthday in tears.

A knock came at the door around 10 a.m. on my birthday. I wasn’t expecting any friends over and knew both mom and dad were working. I just let the person keep knocking until they left. Then I heard the knocking coming from my window. I lifted the curtain to see that it were Caleb. He told me to let him come in, so of course I did.

He said he’d talked to his parents and they’d brought him over until after my mom got home. He assumed she’d be able to take him home. We sat and watched a movie, then 2 until he asked if I wanted to walk to the corner store. So we headed there and came back with a few snacks. What I didn’t know what that he also bought a pack of condoms.

I went to go use the bathroom and when I came back, he was laying on the couch, naked under a blanket. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was about to give me a good birthday memory. I told him to stop kidding around and get dressed. He pulled me down beside him and started forcing himself on me.

I kicked him off and told him get dressed and leave or I’m calling the cops.

“I’ll end this complaining right now,” He said.

He got up, still naked, and grabbed a pair of kitchen sheers and walked back towards me.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

He grabbed my hair and pulled me up, pointing the sheers at me.

“Any more complaints?” He asked.

I started crying and telling him I wasn’t ready, and couldn’t we try this again when I was? He shoved me to the ground and started running the sheers across his wrists. He told me that unless I wanted him to kill himself, I’d let him have sex with me.

That’s pretty much it. He raped me, but I wont go into details about that portion of my birthday. I remember crying the whole time and even tensed my body. He ended up giving me bruises on my legs and pulled my muscles from forcing my legs opened. I hit him a few times and he hit back. So I screamed, until he covered my mouth.

He did, at least, wear a condom, so I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant. When he was done he just got dressed and left, leaving the door to our apartment open the whole way. I had to wrap myself in a blanket to close it, and a neighbor saw me. I’m sure they’d heard me yelling but yet they did nothing. My friends and I had learned from an insane experiment at the mall a few years ago, that people reacted more to someone yelling “Fire”, rather than one yelling “Rape”.

He came back and acted like nothing happened. He kept hanging on me, while I was trying to get him off. He talked with my mom about what we did that day while I barely talked.

When I later confronted him, he laughed and told me that I was crazy. He said he was still a virgin but I persisted and said he’d raped me. He got irate and told me I must have fucked someone else because he would never have sex with someone like me.

A week later he broke up with me, telling me I wasn’t mature enough to have a relationship. He advised me to get a cat, since that’s all I would ever be was a Crazy Cat Lady.

Junior Year

This was the year my depression really took off. By that point, I felt like I was in love with Caleb, despite all the things he’d done to me over the summer and the names he called me. When I saw him the first morning, he told me he didn’t want to be friends anymore, let alone ever get back together. He ignored me for 2 months.

I began cutting. Not just because of him, but other things as well. My mom began dating a guy I hated, who thought he had me all figured out. I’d later look to him as my step-dad, just before he’d passed away. My dad had married another woman without telling any of his kids and they were expecting a baby. Gabe was pressuring me to date him, even though he knew I didn’t like him that way. My friends and I were growing apart, them knowing what they wanted out of life, me not knowing. I began to wear more black and became more introverted than ever. It began to seem like Kaylee was the only one who really got me. I started distancing myself from everyone, spending lunchtime in the library and refusing to talk in class, even when called on. Classmates made fun of me, some even dumped trash on me during a movie we watched one day under the supervision of a substitute teacher. My teachers knew something was up but no one voiced any concern, as they are trained to do in such circumstances. Maybe I just hid it better than I thought I did.

All of Caleb’s friends had graduated so he really only had the people I’d introduced him to. Some friends, like Jenna, Gabe, Melanie and Kaylee refused to look at him, let alone talk to him. Others like Ritchie and Ray, talked to him more than me. Our friends began to take sides. He told Ritchie, Ray and others that he’d had sex with a girl  here at school. He later told me it was a lie, but he said it because he didn’t want anyone knowing we’d had sex.

He put up a good front, and I really believed that he was over me, while I was so depressed. I began to hate him. But one day, during a pep rally, he asked me if he could sit with us. I was a bit surprised but said okay. He ignored me the whole time, talking to Kaylee instead, giving her notes he’d written. I got so mad with her, I didn’t know what was going on but I found myself so jealous because I used to be the only one he wrote notes to.

Halfway through the pep rally, Caleb got up and walked out of the gym, closely followed by 2 teachers. I asked Kaylee what that was all about but all she said was that he’d talk to me on his own time, and not to go after him.

Caleb ended up getting suspended that day. I guess he’d threatened the teachers who’d followed him. I never learned the whole story of that suspension, or most of them for that matter.

We gradually began talking more and it wasn’t long before he’d asked me to take him back and I’d agreed. We took it slow because I was afraid of what he’d done to me was going to happen again. I tried my best to make sure we weren’t alone together. That didn’t work too well since my mom was always with her new boyfriend and my friends thought I was stupid for getting back together. And that was just because they thought he’d seemed shady. They would have killed me if they knew what he did to me.

The abuse wasn’t physical, not then. It was emotional, mental and if he felt like it, sexual. Although the majority of the sexual was after high school, with the exception of that first time.

He called me names, ugly, slut, bitch, whore. He got very possessive of me, asking why I was talking to this guy friend or that, why this person looked at me this way. He would tell me to call off of work to hang out with him. I joined Stage Crew for the play, he joined with me, “To make sure you don’t fuck anyone else, because things like that happen in Stage Crew”. He even tried to join Choir with me, which thankfully didn’t happen. That was the only escape I had. He had a different lunchtime, but somehow always came to mine. He waited outside my classes for me and walked with me. When I asked him to lay off a bit because he was getting so possessive, he told me not to flatter myself. He said it was for my own protection.

I can’t say enough how stupid I was when it came to him. I gave him chance after chance and it only got worse. I have no one to blame but myself.

Oh, I did later ask him what those notes had been during the pep rally.He explained it like this, although I have no clue what was true and what was a lie. He, his dad and step-mom had gone to Jamaica over spring break. He snuck out to go to the bar and had the chance to have sex with a set of twins. They got a hotel room and started going at it, but he backed out and went back to his own room because he’d realized that he loved me and couldn’t think of another girl like that. I was in awe of how sweet that was. That’s all I wanted, was a guy to think of me that way, and it completely overrode all the bad things he’d done to me.

We became virtually inseparable after that revelation. At the end of that year, he graduated and we stayed together over summer break. I don’t remember much, except that he got his licence and a car, so he would be able to see me.

These were the sixth and seventh chapters of a true story, by Bree Houseman, on figment.com.

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~Mouse

The Birth Of Destruction: 5

Weekend following the Lock-In

Caleb asked for my phone number before we left the school. I gave him my moms number because I didn’t have my own phone, I unlike other teenagers, wasn’t aloud to have one.

We talked a lot that weekend and I learned a lot more about him. He was on probation until a year after he was to graduate high school. Truthfully, now after so many years, the reason why is hazy to me. It might have been because he’d threatened to kill a cop, or another kid (he’d later done both again, including threatening the life of a teacher).

At the end of the weekend, I was getting nervous with anticipation of seeing him on Monday morning. I wondered if he’d act different than he’d done at the Lock-In. He called me Sunday night and that conversation will always stick in my mind.

“Hi, what did you do today?” I answered.

“It was ok,” He replied. “What did you do?”

We made small talk for a while then had a few moments of silence.

“Hey,” He began. “I wanna tell you something but don’t want you to think I’m a dick.”

I laughed and told him it was very hard to make me mad.

“I don’t want to go out with you,” He began. “Seriously, I don’t know how anyone ever could. You’re ugly and not my type at all.”

“So then why did you act like that the other night?” I asked after a minute of my shocked silence.

“Because you seemed so desperate. I bet you’d go out with anyone who’d express interest in you. That’s how ugly girls are. I only acted interested because I wanted to make myself feel better.”

“Wow, good job,” I hung up and refused to answer when he called back. He kept calling so I started to pick up and hang up. Then I gave the phone to my mom and she told him I wasn’t feeling well.

I didn’t cry, but I did feel numb. I knew I wasn’t beautiful, but I’d hoped I wasn’t ugly either. I didn’t wear make up and I hid inside hoodies all the time. But he had no right to try and tear me down the way he did. I decided to ignore him at school from now on, and only be civil enough when needed.

My friends knew we’d gotten together at the Lock-In but none knew how he’d degraded me 2 days later. We just told them we decided to stay friends instead. I never told anyone about that phone conversation.

 

Fifth chapter of a true story by Bree Houseman on figment.com.

 

~Mouse

The Birth Of Destruction: 3

Sophomore year

10th grade was the year we were aloud to enroll in the Vo-Tech if we wanted to. I decided not to because they didn’t have a course to offer for what I wanted to do, which at that point was become and English teacher. I struggled with taking a Daycare course or Cosmetology, and turned down both. Plus, if I would have elected that, it would have meant I’d have to give up Choir practice.

Not much changed that year. We still hung out in the same place in the mornings, but we did find a new place to sit at lunch time. Connor and Caleb became more of a permanent part of our group of friends. He and Melanie had broken up over the summer and he and Jenna dated, only for him to break up with her for Melanie once the school year started up again. Monica opted not to sit with us because she claimed seeing Connor all over another girl made her upset. So she instead sat with Ann and Zeke that whole year, and the 2 after that. Natalie and Tonya also sat separate, while Mark and Ryker moved back and fourth between the 2 tables.

I didn’t go to the homecoming that year, as that was when my depression started. My parent had just separated and I didn’t want to be around or talk to anyone much anymore. I got my first job as a Dietary Aide at the nursing home my mom worked at. In October, I quit there to work at McDonald’s with my friends.

Caleb began to take more of an interest in me that year, but at the same time, kept his distance. He didn’t ever want to hang out outside of school, and was often absent from his getting in trouble. But I was glad just to capture his attention.

~

Third chapter of a true story by Bree Houseman on figment.com.

 

~Mouse

 

The Birth Of Destruction: 2

The rest of Freshman Year

The rest of the year was a blur of firsts. First homecoming, where my middle school boyfriend asked me back out, first detention, for what I can’t recall, and first rejection by a boy I liked.

Connor started hanging around us more and more, usually dragging Caleb with him. He began making the rounds on my friends, hitting on them and turning them against each other, until they realized how stupid they were being. It felt like I was the only one immune to his charms. Secretly however, I liked him too but my self esteem was low so I never allowed myself to think anything other than he was just being nice when he’d flirt.

Monica claimed to be in love with Connor, and joined me in my slight crush on Caleb. My crush however was more so the need to give him something in his life to look forward to, and to help him get out of the trouble that seemed to follow him around. He was always getting in trouble with teachers, gaining a lot of detentions and suspensions.

Jenna and Melanie were constantly fighting over Connor, only to make up and ignore him for a few days before they fell back into the same routine. Jenna used more restraint towards him than Melanie ever showed around any guy. Of all of us, she was the only one with sexual experience at that time, and guys had actually deemed her easy. She always had dates, while Jenna and I still had girl nights at each others houses, very rarely even catching a guys attention.

Gabe was a different story however. He and Jenna dated in middle school, until he met Melanie, then he broke up with Jenna for her. From then on, he kept back and fourth between the two, claiming to love them both, and me as well, but I think that was more so because we’d known each other since we were in diapers, and our parents grew up together too. To be honest, he disgusted me, and still does, with his insane claims of love when he barely knows a girl, not to mention hes as sexist and racist as they come.

Connor and Caleb had a few other girl friends that we gradually came to like as the year went on, Natalie and Tonya. Tonya immediately hated Jenna and I, but ironically liked Melanie. It was weird because Melanie was the one who was sleeping with Connor, Jenna just had a crush on him and I was nothing more than a friend. Connor was always cheating on Tonya with Melanie and vice versa. Towards the end of the year however, we got on the same page and really became friends.

Natalie was an ex girlfriend of both Connor and Caleb. She claimed to hate them both but yet she stuck around with us. She never seemed to want to talk about her relationship with Caleb, and thinking back, I think if she would have talked about it then, it would have saved me a whole lot of heartache and bruises. It was almost as if she were afraid of him.

I don’t remember much else of that first year. My middle school boyfriend and his family moved away and we gradually lost contact. I didn’t think I’d miss him as much as I did. When I found him later on Facebook, he never wanted to talk to me much, and it hurts me to think that it may be my own fault. I talk to his brother more than him, and even that is very selected.

My English teacher of that year helped shape my love for Romeo and Juliet, as well as other classics. He reviled to the class one day that teaching was not his first choice, that he had originally set out for Hollywood to become an actor. Then he’d met his fiance and his plans changed. It was his influence that made me think that maybe I could write and be published some day. A dream that, years later, I realized is very rare, if not impossible for people who don’t have money to put into it.

The Choir teacher also helped me a lot. He allowed me an escape through singing. He was new to the school just as we were, so it was almost like we grew up those 4 years together. Towards our graduation, he teared up and told us he felt he should retire and graduate with us. We got on his nerves a lot and hassled him pretty much every day so it meant a lot that he actually liked us.

Of all the rest of the teachers I had through high school, I’d have to say those 2 helped me the most through the next 3 years I was to go through.

Second chapter of a true story by Bree Houseman.

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~Mouse

The Birth Of Destruction: 1

First day of Freshman Year

Anyone’s first day back to school is going to be exciting and terrifying. You’ll wonder what friends you’ll meet, what your teachers will be like and who might have changed, for better or worse. You obsess over what you’ll wear and where you’ll sit at lunch.

But honestly, the first day is one of the worst. It’s so drawn out and it’s nothing but teachers syllabus and rules. I always hated it.

But it was high school. The group of friends I had all dreamed of older boyfriends who’d whisk us away from our parents, who all of us hated in one way or another. Especially me. I thought my parents were out to get me, as most teenagers diagnosed with depression will think at that age.  And I guess I also inherited anger issues from my dad, though I’ve never acted on them, I hate confrontations of any kind, always have, always will.

My parents weren’t divorced yet so I got on the bus the same place, at the same time I had been for the past 3 years. It was just going to a different place. My dad and uncle had gone to the same school years before so I was curious to see how many teachers would be asking me if I were related to him. A good bit did, but the rest were young.

So anyways, the bus got there and I found my friends where we promised to meet. This place would end up being our meet up spot until Senior year. As good of friends as we all were, really the only one I talked to over summer break was my best friend, Jenna, and that was only on occasion. I had a very sheltered childhood, the first time someone mentioned Eminem to me in 6th grade, I thought they were talking about the candy. I grew up on Aerosmith, Bon Jovi and country music, nothing else existed. Plus, growing up in bum fuck nowhere probably added to my being sheltered.

Anyways, we caught up a little and headed to our homerooms. My friend Melanie and I were in the same one, as were Jenna and Gabe. We got our schedules and were welcomed to the school and told to have a good first day.

I honestly couldn’t tell  you when I had what classes that year, I just remember two of my favorites, English and Choir practice, and my least favorite, Family Life Science.

At lunch that first day, I sat with a group of middle school friends, and a few upperclassmen I only later knew the names of. There was, me, Jenna, Laura, a girl names Monica they went to elementary school with, and Ann and Zeke were the upperclassmen we met.

Monica in turn, introduced us to a junior named Connor she knew from where she lived, and he  introduced his friends Caleb, Mark and Ryker. I was immediately drawn to Caleb. There was just something about him that shouted out bad boy to me. Not the leather jacket and motorcycle kind of bad boy, more like the been-through-more-than-you-can-ever-dream-of type. But I was shy so I said nothing but Hi.

Right after lunch, Monica and I had Family Life Science together so we headed upstairs. She told me a bit more of herself and we were great friends before we even made it to the classroom. She told me more about Connor and Caleb without my even having to ask. Connor was something of a man whore, he’d slept with more girls that she could even count. Caleb was his troubled friend. He’d been in and out of therapy for years and even spent some time in Philhaven, a mental and behavioral health facility for people with depression, anger, anxiety, etc issues.  He was also on probation for some reason that was unknown to her. I’d learn plenty on my own, but not for another year.

That’s pretty much how it went. We didn’t talk again for another year.

This is the first chapter of a true story, by Bree Houseman, on figment.com.

~Mouse